“I cannot make good choices unless I develop a mature and prudent conscience that gives me an accurate account of my motives, my intentions, and my moral acts. The word to be stressed here is mature. An infant, not having a conscience, is guided in its ‘decisions’ by the attitude of somebody else. The immature conscience is one that bases its judgments partly, or even entirely, on the way other people seem to be disposed toward its decisions. Even when the immature conscience is not entirely dominated by people outside itself, it nevertheless acts only as a representative of some other conscience. The immature conscience is not its own master.” ~Thomas Merton
I recently wrote about the ugly, festering, oozy stuff I’m finding inside of myself. I’d like to talk about some of that. I’d like to talk about the fact that I haven’t fully grown up.
No, I don’t spend my days playing video games or sluffing off. I’m a business woman. A wife. A teacher. A writer. A homeschooling mom of nine.
I’ve accomplished more at this point in my life than I ever dreamed I would. I’ve done more than enough to make my mommy and daddy proud. I’ve done more than enough to make my pastors proud. I’ve done more than enough to make my teachers proud. I’ve done more than enough to make my employers proud. I’ve done more than enough to make all the authors I’ve ever read proud. I’ve done more than enough to make my husband proud.
I’ve obeyed all the rules and regs. I’ve got a spotless record. I’ve done my duties. Whoever is my Mommy and Daddy at any given time in my life gets my full allegiance. My full obedience. My full submission. I’m a good little girl so they will be proud of me. I’m a good little girl. So they will. Love. Me.
I’m a child.
It’s time to grow up.
I am facing some decisions right now that will require me to be an adult. Hard decisions I have to make ALL BY MY OWN SELF. And some of my Mommies and Daddies are not going to be proud of me anymore.
I think I may even lose their love.
You see, I’ve not only been a child, but I’ve been a Pharisee most of my life. I’ve written a little bit about Pharisees HERE and HERE. (I highly recommend the two books I talk about in those posts if you want to study this topic more.) Pharisees are all about the rules and regs. It makes life simple. Do A. Don’t do B.
But Jesus said a lot of shockingly nasty things about those people. And He was never afraid to break their rules so He could do the Right Thing. He was never afraid they wouldn’t love Him anymore. They weren’t His Daddy.
God was.
I’m coming to realize that I will be all grown up when He’s the only Daddy I need.
Ouch! It’s like you’re looking inside me. I’ve spent my life being the good girl and following all the rules. On one level I know that I don’t need to earn anyone’s love. God gives it freely and He is the One that matters. But, oh, how I long for the approval of everyone who matters to me and probably some who don’t! I struggle to make the unpopular decisions. Ugh! I am praying for you as you face the tough choices and possible rejection by some.
While I sure do appreciate what you’re driving at here, I must object to the crack about video games. I love my video games. I do play them like an adult, though, and in my free time. Not all day. 😉
How about this. I’ll allow you video games in your free time if you allow me old episodes of Downton Abby and Lost in mine. 😉 Anybody else wanna share their secret free time vices?
Sounds reasonable.
My free-time vice would be blogs… 😉 There’s so much out there that I want to learn about, but I don’t have the time so I read what others have learned. But, I spend too much time on blogs. I don’t have “free-time”; I have small children (and a husband) that need something all the time. I need to “grow-up”, too. Honestly? I’d rather be reading blogs than taking care of other things. I get annoyed with my children and don’t want to do the “grown-up” things like care for their needs, cook, clean, etc. I want to be selfish!
I think I’ve gotten off topic a bit, but what I really appreciated in this post is the last line: I’m coming to realize that I will be all grown up when He’s the only Daddy I need. I think my “growing up” problem is that I’m listening to the wrong voices, i.e. you’re a good wife/ mom if you do this and not this. I need to listen to God’s voice and let the others go. People will tell me I’m a good mom, but they don’t see how I am at home. But God does and He’s the only One that matters. Thank you for the reminder, Natalie. =)