The Power of My Words in Relationships

Filed in Visionary Friendships by on May 7, 2013

Mother and daughter talking, drinking coffee in kitchen

By Contributing Writer, Kelly Crawford

I had vented to my husband on his drive home from work. Well, what else was I supposed to do with this onerous child who had me at my wits end? I mean, my husband and I are a team, we have to tackle this thing head on, and he must be informed of all my exasperation so he can properly deal with the situation when he gets home.

But by the time he got home, said child had apologized, and I had cooled down and was thankful that the Lord had brought at least a little progress to this ongoing struggle. I know this child, despite my frustrations.

But my husband came home ready to do business, and without being personally offended, he was going to take up my case. The problem was, he was very irritated from my irritated rant, and he came down hard and heavy on this child, already scolded from me. The results: exasperation all around.

Over time I began to realize that my words were having a powerful, negative effect on the relationship between my husband and one of our children. It’s not that I couldn’t, or shouldn’t share the struggles—I must, but how I framed it, the words I chose, the tone of my voice—it all has a drastic effect on how someone views the one about whom I’m speaking.

The same can be said of how or what I say to my mother about my husband, to my friend about another friend, how we speak about our extended family members—any relationship needs careful tending and protecting as we are Christians instructed to guard carefully the reputations of others.

“Remind them to…speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.” Titus 3:1-2

My words can frame others in a positive light, even amid their faults, or they can tear down and do permanent damage in the minds of the hearers. Do I protect others’ dignity and reputation the way I wish mine to be protected?

All too often we speak harshly of others, hoping to make the contrast with ourselves more vivid, or to reveal to our friends and family what “we have to put up with.” But we have the power to exalt others, and in so doing, we will be exalted in the fitting way.

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”  Ephesians 4:29

Let us purpose to be honest but fair in our treatment of others and the words we use. For truly, “the tongue is a fire, capable of setting ablaze a great forest.”

Let us steward the gift of communication we’ve been given, building up those around us, thinking and speaking the best of others.

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About the Contributor

Kelly is wife to Aaron and homeschooling mama to nine children. Days are busy reading, creating, and living life in an effort to honor the Lord Jesus and make His glory known. Kelly has authored numerous articles in homeschooling magazines, has been featured on Generations With Vision, and has written several eBooks to help moms carry out the important task of raising the next generation. You can find practical encouragement and inspiration for your day at Generation Cedar. View all posts by Kelly →

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  1. Lauren says:

    Bless you Kelly! A word in season for me. Thank you for your consistent encouragement.

  2. Terry says:

    Kelly, Thanks so much for this post. And it’s especially important as our children become adults and start their own families. I find it to easy to ‘vent’ as I seek opinions from my family at home about struggles with my adult children, only to find that it affects my family’s attitudes and ability to see clearly. As we seek counsel, we really need to use caution in what and how we share. Again, thanks for the reminder!

  3. Mary Ostyn (Owlhaven) says:

    I’ve realized this too. I do need to keep my husband informed of issues, so he can address them as needed. But my tone and the details I choose to share can either hurt or help THEIR relationship. When I need to really rant (which I sometimes do) I try hard to do so with a precious friend whose life is similar to mine, who understands exactly where I’m coming from, but then who doesn’t have to step in as my child’s parent.
    Mary, momma to 10

  4. shannon says:

    typing one handed but just want to say very convicting.

  5. Mel @ Trailing After God says:

    I have written on this topic too. It makes a HUGE difference WHAT we share and with whom. I don’t share my problems in my marriage with others, unless I have permission from my husband and I am seeking advice to make things better. Because it taints how others see our spouse and even, our children. If I’m irritated with one of my kids, it rubs off onto others who are around them and sets them up to judge. I don’t pretend my life is perfect or that we never have issues, just choose to be cautious about what I say and what I share. If we think back to the last time a certain friend shared something awful their husband did, it totally affects how we view their spouse.

  6. Claudia Evans says:

    Oh, Kelly…..your timing. Just today I had to call a friend back to apologize and ask forgiveness for speaking words that were just unnecessary and presumptuous about another home educating momma. Oh, I cringe even as I write this. I was fully and freely forgiven, even told that she didn’t sense a negative intent, but the Lord was not through convicting:) I felt convicted to just be finished with speaking words that don’t “…protect others’ dignity and reputation the way I wish mine to be protected.” Perfect wording for what the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. I wasn’t looking for confirmation, because of course, He is right and I was wrong. Still, the timing of your post just made me shake my head and smile. Thank you!

    • Kelly Crawford says:

      What a blessing to read that, Claudia, to see how God uses so many things in our lives to whisper (and sometimes shout) to us.